How to Help Your Relationships Even Without Therapy
Whether you are in therapy or not, you can learn to understand how your relationships, and how to keep negative patterns from ripping them apart. Beyond learning some basic attachment and relationship science, coming to identify, understand, and slow down you and your loved one's negative cycle can save you countless moments of disconnection, frustration, and loneliness. If you're interested and willing to put in some work, read on. There are two versions for readers: The Short Version & The Detailed Version.
The Short Version
For those who don't wish to read details about attachment theory, emotions, and negative cycles, here is as brief as I can make it:
1) Science shows us that ALL humans have "attachment" needs (eg. We require physically and emotionally safe connections with our loved ones) in order to thrive and truly feel happy (just as important as food and water!).
2) Basic emotions (eg. Sadness, Anger, Excitement, Joy, Disgust, Fear) are the "music" of attachment. They signal us about what is happening and what we need from others.
3) We learn about emotions and attachment in our families and with our primary caregivers in early life, and with other primary relationship (eg. romantic partners) in later life. Traumatic events also shape our view of attachment and emotions.
4) Negative "cycles" naturally occur between two people when one person's attachment needs aren't met, and their reactions scare or offend the other person such that they then react in a scary or offensive way, and around and around it goes until both partner withdraw. These reactions are based on "secondary emotions" or "feelings about feelings" that are intended to be protective of the relationship, but have become ineffective (eg. angry protest that drives a partner away when really the protesting partner is lonely and afraid of the partner being unresponsive, or quiet withdrawal that offends a partner when really the withdrawing partner is fearful of angering the other partner). There is often one pursuer and one withdrawer involved.
5) Once two people identify their negative cycle, and own their parts in it, they can slow it down, and tune into each others' core emotions (eg. sadness, fear, hurt, loneliness, adaptive anger), and associated relational needs.
6) Histories of trauma or betrayal (particularly when one or both partners are the injuring parties) require extra steps to repair, but cycles usually require de-escalation first. Resolving these attachment injuries requires the injured party to tell their hurts, fears, and anger while the injuring partner listens and reflects back the impact their action or inaction had on the hurt partner. The injuring partner then must express any regret they have and apologize with steps agreed upon to prevent such an injury from occurring again.
1) Science shows us that ALL humans have "attachment" needs (eg. We require physically and emotionally safe connections with our loved ones) in order to thrive and truly feel happy (just as important as food and water!).
2) Basic emotions (eg. Sadness, Anger, Excitement, Joy, Disgust, Fear) are the "music" of attachment. They signal us about what is happening and what we need from others.
3) We learn about emotions and attachment in our families and with our primary caregivers in early life, and with other primary relationship (eg. romantic partners) in later life. Traumatic events also shape our view of attachment and emotions.
4) Negative "cycles" naturally occur between two people when one person's attachment needs aren't met, and their reactions scare or offend the other person such that they then react in a scary or offensive way, and around and around it goes until both partner withdraw. These reactions are based on "secondary emotions" or "feelings about feelings" that are intended to be protective of the relationship, but have become ineffective (eg. angry protest that drives a partner away when really the protesting partner is lonely and afraid of the partner being unresponsive, or quiet withdrawal that offends a partner when really the withdrawing partner is fearful of angering the other partner). There is often one pursuer and one withdrawer involved.
5) Once two people identify their negative cycle, and own their parts in it, they can slow it down, and tune into each others' core emotions (eg. sadness, fear, hurt, loneliness, adaptive anger), and associated relational needs.
6) Histories of trauma or betrayal (particularly when one or both partners are the injuring parties) require extra steps to repair, but cycles usually require de-escalation first. Resolving these attachment injuries requires the injured party to tell their hurts, fears, and anger while the injuring partner listens and reflects back the impact their action or inaction had on the hurt partner. The injuring partner then must express any regret they have and apologize with steps agreed upon to prevent such an injury from occurring again.
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| Understanding Your Negative Cycle |
